If It Walks Like a Duck…

Posts Tagged ‘celibacy

Dear Celibacy,

I hope this letter finds your well, or at least better than I.

Look, I need you to cut me some slack here. I’m tryin to do the right thing. I’m tryin to maintain the great friendship we’ve developed. You’ve brought me even closer to my Father, made my life even more fulfilling, provided me with a relationship stronger than any other I’ve had in the past, but you keep screwing with me! (No pun intended) What’s with the love/hate? I can’t handle the passive/aggressive schizo nonsense you are bringing to this relationship.

Listen, I’m doing my part. I mean, everybody knows about us. I’ve put myself on the line time and time again for you, allowing myself to be held accountable by everybody who knows about us, but that’s just not enough for you. You just keep on pushing and testing my boundaries.

And you just love to play with my emotions and holler at Libido right before Aunt Flow comes to visit each time. I know I’m not the only one you mess with, but this is me we’re talkin about. I’m the one that opted to give you another chance! Most people say “to heck with you” and keep it moving. But not I. I believe in you and me. Doesn’t that at least count for something?

You know what? You are really getting on my last nerve. For real. Somehow you and Universe have gotten together and concocted a way to keep the bf and I insanely busy so the only time we’re free to see each other is late at night during what my momma would call “those booty call hours”. You ain’t slick. I know your games. I know what you’re up to. And I’m not falling for it.

See, I’ve tried to be friends with you before. How moronic am I to think you won’t play me again? Silly me. But this time, I’ve got allies. I’ve got people now. Friends who, like me, are attempting to get down with you, but we all know how fickle a friend you are. No, we don’t go to Reed College, I don’t even know where Reed College is, but we’ve got a Celibacy Society of our own.  Yes, we do talk about you behind your back. And what?? There’s strength in numbers and every time you try to get brolic with me or someone in my crew, trust and believe we are looking out for one another.

So how about you just fall back and play your position? Stop plotting and planning during your secret meetings  with Libido and Sex Drive, and quit trying to infiltrate Dreams. It ain’t happening. If you spent as much time kicking it with Holy Matrimony as you do trying to knock me off my game, we could move past our current arrangement and both of us would be happy as kid in a candy store. Trust me.


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